should i be that guy who pours his heart out online to the faceless , i know its easier than doing it to someone who can answer back. i guess if everyone else is doing it then why not me, im not hurting anyone. well i hope im not, i can be offensive sometimes but i will try my best to keep that side in my head not on your screen.

this blog was at its core meant to be a travel log, a day to day goings on of a seriously unqualified cyclist and his travels across europe but the more its now on my mind. and an instagram account full of self proclaimed poets i feel maybe somewhere in these pages of ramblings i might come up with something new and profound but i doubt it, it is nice to get things out of my head, and in a way where its not like im fully accepting it, i can pretend to open that box but without actually looking inside, maybe the cat is still alive and i really do have childhood trauma but lets for now keep that lid closed tight.

i guess in some way im hoping that all this crap from the past would make me into some sort of goggins type where it sends me all the way around the world being a force of change and good to shine a light in peoples lives. but deep down i know im not. i know that after all that im just normal detached. that kinda makes it worse like if Bruce wayne just grew up a bitter old drunk, that would be a shit comic

my parents are still alive though doesnt mean them breaking up was any less, in a way brucies family had no choice to leave him but the male side of mine did choose and to me that hurts just as bad, i always see people doing this to pay back to their family, buying their dad the dream car or paying the mortgage off and i can never relate to that, cos you know fuck that what i have made is on my own back no man has helped me become a man.

the only thing looking for male role models has ever given me is anger, eggshells and drunks and hitting my 30th year im kinda over it now so lets do something different. lets fucking cycle to morocco, thats something they would never do.

but before i finish this. if you get this far then fair play. i promise from now on it will be 95% gravel and coffee cos i know there will be lots of both and the 5% i guess to keep for the hard days where i feel like ranting again

thank you for reading love you all

GNG